Sometimes, I feel like an unbelievable failure. I feel suffocated by my ambition to achieve, and to accomplish every single goal that I’ve set for myself, no matter how seemingly unrealistic said goal is. In my mind, there’s nothing holding me back but myself, even if that isn’t necessarily the case. I hold myself to incredibly high standards, and sometimes, that can be very taxing and almost poisonous to my mind. I have a college degree, from a great university, and quite a bit of experience under my belt, both academically and in the job market, as well as personal life experience also. But for me, it’s not enough. I swore the day I moved out of my hometown and home state, that I would never live there ever again. I had finally found a way out; I was finally free. Yet, here I am, back in my hometown, feeling like a disgusting, colossal failure. I always equated staying in my town with being a failure. And to be honest, I still do. This is a town where dreams go to die, in my opinion, and I refuse to allow my dreams to end up in the same wasteland as everyone else’s.
That’s why I am always so anxious and stressed about finding a good job and getting out go here. That’s why I’m desperately trying to get into grad school abroad. It’s why I am desperate to do well on this test I have to take tomorrow, which will determine whether or not I qualify for an interview for this job I desperately need. Notice how many times I used the word desperate in that sentence. I’m aware of how sad and pathetic that makes me. But it’s true. At some point, you have to accept your current state of being, and unfortunately, this is mine at the moment. I feel so ashamed when I have to talk to people from my past, people that I used to know, and tell them what I’m doing with my time. They give me that look full of pity, and true to reassure me that everything will work out. And it makes me feel furious, and insulted, and quite frankly, belittled. But that’s my own issue. I feel ashamed that I can’t tell them I’m successful, because I’m not. I’m ashamed to feel like I have achieved so little in my life; whether that’s actually true or it’s my own self perception is difficult to say at this time. Sometimes, shame just weighs me down, and it’s exhausting. I try so hard to understand that life is a journey, that I’m on a path, and that one day it will all make sense. I try to remind myself of that daily. But sometimes, it doesn’t take, and that feeling of shame suffocates me. I hope that I am able to turn things around, so that when I run into someone from my past, I can be proud of myself, my life, and my accomplishments. I hope to one day feel like I’ve achieved something worthwhile. I hope to one day make my dreams come true, so I feel the sense of pride that comes with that fulfillment and realization. Shame is an ugly word, and I cannot wait until the day I am able to remove it from my vocabulary for good.