How Much?

How much time ticked away
As each day
After day
I grew older
But not wiser
I grew up
But fell down
I had dreams so big
They could crush all of humanity
For they were certainly crushing me
Where did it all go?
All those minutes
Hours
Days
Weeks
Months
Years
I have no way to mark the time
No memories to guide me
So I know
I’ve been alive
I’m drowning in indifference
And aching sadness
Consuming my mind
Like a dense fog
In the early morning
Unwilling to lift
Until broken
By light of day
My soul is hit by a tidal wave
And it shakes me to my core
I stumble and fall
And I must teach myself
To remain on my two feet
At what age
Do I become strong
And sturdy?
Time cracks me open
And all of my rambling thoughts
And pointless daydreams
Come pouring out
Like the explosion of a star
Or a comet streaking midnight sky
And I feel full of light
Hurtling into endless night
Eternal darkness
My mind gets lost in dark matter
And I am left with time in my hands
Spilling out
Like water I cannot hold
As my tears mix in
And create a mess
Of broken dreams
And lost life
Broken hearts
And lost time.

Original Work: KH 11/20/14

Washed Away

On that quiet sea I float
Away I go
Away I go
I drift into the great unknown
The abyss engulfs
My mind and soul
The water wraps around me so
Poetic words shake my mind
Awake me to life and time
I could write
About the sea
And all it always means to me
For centuries that pass and fade
For time cannot bend or break
Eternal words through my fingers slip
Like water held inside my hands
And splashed across my warm skin
The letters of my phrases
Written to the sea from me
Decorate from limb to limb
I bathe in all I could not explain
And wash away my sins
My words still dance
Inside my head
To the sea
I do love thee
Forever and forevermore
I’ll come knocking
On your door
I float away
I float away
That quiet sea
It lives in me
I drift into the great unknown
And know I’ve finally
Found my home.

Original Work: KH 11/5/14

The Hourglass

It all seems like a lost dream
This damaged memory and broken nostalgia
That plays like a record
Turning and turning
Sadly not playing
That same sound over and over
Like my mind
And what it could have been
Once upon a time
If I had taken that advice
If I had taken that chance
But I didn’t
I followed my own rules
And they led me into darkness
As I sit and wonder how
And why
And every other cliché
That can form inside my brain
Rattling around
Bouncing back and forth
And keep me up at night
Until I’m staring at the moon
With blank empty eyes
Sitting on my bed
Wrapped in my cotton sheets
Like a madwoman
Staring at the wall
Gasping for breath
As I feel my throat start to close
I look to my bedside table
And I see the hourglass
The sand pouring
Endlessly
I grab it
Wishing to turn it back over
Throw it at the wall until it shatters
Anything to stop that damn sand
But it’s not use
It’s stuck
It’s glued
To the table
Unable to be changed
Time cannot be restarted
It cannot be re-lived
It is an unstoppable force
And will continue long after me
As the rivers rage against rock
Carving new sights to be seen
And the sun bakes the earth
And flowers bloom
All of it lives and breathes
Time is a wild machine
And there’s nowhere to go
But forward.

Original Work: KH 10/13/14

Short Story: The Dinner Party: Part III

That sound, the echoing, was still going in Emily’s head, as she blinked over and over again, unable to focus her eyes. What was this information she had just been given? How was she meant to process this? Actually, how was she supposed to believe such a completely mad statement coming from a complete stranger? Husband? There was no way that this man, this unknown person sat across from her, could possibly be her husband. There’s no way that she could be married, and not recall that fact. She wasn’t that far gone, honestly, she wasn’t, there’s no way. She sat there, staring at her plate, at those damn potatoes, how destroyed they were. She twisted her hands together in her lap, and suddenly raised them up in front of her face, and decided to give them a look. She knew everyone’s eyes were on her, this woman, this strange creature observing her hands as if they were someone else’s, as if she had never seen them before, she knew she looked mad, and maybe there was a reason for that. That’s when she saw it. She saw the reminder, the little thing that made her mind snap back to some kind of reality that was choking her, suffocating her, as soon as she entered it; it was the thin gold band on the ring finger of her left hand. It was just there, this little piece of evidence, this little tiny ring that somehow validated this man’s claims. How? She didn’t remember ever wearing a ring on that finger, a finger meant for only one type of ring, yet here it was, wrapped around her, and she couldn’t escape the haunting feeling that maybe it was meant to be there. But why? Why was she so confused about her identity? About where she was? About who she was married to? Why was this happening? Emily cleared her throat, prepared to speak, and ask some questions that needed to be answered.

“I’m so sorry everybody, I seem to be struggling today, my mind seems to be in some kind of haze or something…I don’t seem to understand where I am, I mean I know I’m in North Yorkshire, in England, at a dinner party, but whose party? Why am I here? Why can’t I seem to remember my own husband? I just…I don’t know. Can someone help me, please? Who are all of you? How do you know me?”

Everyone sat and stared, unsure of who should speak, and what should be said, in all honesty. Everyone was acting rather uneasy about the whole situation, and Emily couldn’t really blame them to be fair. She truly could not remember why she was there, or what the date was, the year even, and she certainly didn’t recognize anyone’s face, not even her husband, William’s face, and that frightened her, very much.

“Darling, please, you must stop this silly game. I don’t understand if this is part of a performance, or if you’re trying to be funny, but it’s not funny, not at all, so please. Can we move on now?”

“Stop speaking to me like that, William. I asked a simple question, several actually, and I’d like some answers. Now.”

“Fine, let us share ourselves, so that Emily can rest, and calm herself. Go ahead, we’ll start at the head of the table and work our way down, if that’s all right?”

Emily shook her head in agreement.

They all introduced themselves, one by one. David, Margaret, John, Lillian, Sarah, Christopher, James, Rebecca, Andrew, Catherine, Scott, and Elizabeth. And adding William, that accounted for the 13 sets of eyes she had first noticed staring at her from across the table, what seemed like a century ago. The problem was, even with names, she couldn’t see to place them, she couldn’t seem to place any face with any name, and she realized that maybe she was too far from reality to actually return. The grandfather clock struck again, and she turned to face it, noticing it was 15 minutes past the hour. That’s when she saw it. She saw that the clock said 13:15, and she remembered that the clock had struck 13 earlier, when she’d heard that loud sound her head. How was that possible? It was not a 24 hour grandfather clock. It only went up to 13, that’s the number it simply stopped at. She turned around and saw out the window, and noticed that the sun was till setting. This was impossible. It made no sense. None of this made any sense. She couldn’t understand how, or why, this was happening, and also why no one seemed to notice, or care that the clock had struck an impossible time.

“Why did that clock just strike 13? How is that possible? Why did it happen? The sun is only now setting. And your names, now that you’ve told me, mean nothing to me, it doesn’t make any of you seem any more familiar to me at all. Who are any of you? Why do none of you find this strange? Why are you all just staring at me, dead eyed and blank faced? Look alive! Talk to me! Explain yourselves!” Emily cried, her frustration building to a head.

Everyone just stared, blankly, empty and unmoving, and she knew, in that moment, that something was terribly wrong, and not with her. With everyone, and everything, all of it was wrong and off, and just inexplicably upsetting. Not just her lack of memory, or connection to anyone at the table, but the fact that it seemed as if everyone else didn’t notice, or find it odd, that all of this happening in the first place.

“Emily, you and I were invited to dinner this evening at this home, the home of Mr. and Mrs. Jones, or David and Margaret, as they introduced themselves. You know them, you do, truly, and I just don’t understand how you seem to have forgotten your entire life since we sat down at the table to eat. You were fine a half hour ago, when we were all in the sitting room, sipping on our cocktails, having a chat, and now it seems as if something has changed. When you sat down and began to eat, I noticed you held the fork to your mouth, filled with potatoes, but you never actually ate any, and instead set the fork back down, as your eyes went all empty and glassy and unfocused. I didn’t say anything, because I assumed you’d had one too many cocktails, but now I’m concerned, because I don’t understand. None of use do. Emily, this is an annual dinner party, we came last year, and the year before. Two years ago is when we were married, don’t you remember? We were married on April 15, 1942, at a little registry office in Chelsea, down in London, where we live. You remember that darling, don’t you? We live in a lovely flat in Knightsbridge. We came up here for the dinner party, and to get away from the bombing for a bit. I’m back on leave, you know, from the war, and I thought this would be a nice evening, a chance for us to get out and see our friends and spend time together, since I know how hard it’s been on you since I’ve been gone for most of our marriage, fighting several countries away. I know all of this has been a lot for you, but I’m here now, we’re together. It’s October 13, 1944, and it’s a lovely night, here, in North Yorkshire, England, where you are, we are, together. Now, let us enjoy it, please?”

Emily was stunned. None of that, not one thing, seemed to be real. She felt like she was in a waking nightmare. The war? Why was he going on about the war? She felt like the war was so long ago, so far removed from her, yet he was talking about it like was happening right now. 1944, yes, it was happening right now. Why did it feel like it was of the past? She suddenly felt very sick, and confused, and upset. She felt like that girl from The Bell Jar again, as she had earlier; stuck, trapped, uncomfortable. It was a book she loved. She even carried a small copy of it in her purse. She felt her purse next to her, and felt the book inside, and it made her feel comforted for some reason.

“Emily, how are you feeling? What’s in your bag that you were touching just now?”

“A book, a book that I love, by an author that I admire.”

“Oh yes? What book is that darling, let us see?”

Emily removed her copy of The Bell Jar from her purse, and handed it to her husband, so that he could see. He held it in his hands, and looked rather confused by it.

‘I’ve never seen this before, never heard of it actually. Have you read this? I don’t remember you talking about it before?”

“Well you must not have been listening, because I’ve read it several times, and talked about it nonstop. It was only published last year, rather new still.”

William opened the book, and turned to the publication page. His brow furrowed, and he suddenly looked surprised, and rather uneasy.

“What is it?” Emily inquired, unsure of why his face went like that.

“Is this a trick book? I don’t understand…”

“Understand what?”

“The publication date. You said it was published last year? This page says it was published in January 1963. I just don’t understand, how have you read this? Where did it come from? How was it published in January 1963, if it’s currently October 1944?”

Emily tried to swallow, but choked on nothing, and suddenly felt another tight string in her head snap, accompanied by a booming echo that reverberated long after she had fallen off her chair and hit the floor.

More

I could be pressed against your body
On top
Beneath
Wrapped around you
Staring into your green eyes
Sharing your breath
Catching your moans
In my mouth
Nails deep in your broad back
For eternity
And that still wouldn’t be enough
I’d still be asking for another day
Another hour
Another minute
Another second
I’d still be asking for time to stop
So that we could live
Endlessly
In this embrace
Eternity would never be enough
I need more
More
More
More
More
Mo-

Original Work: KH 10/11/14

What If

I wish I had new memories of you
To replace the ones
I have replayed so many times
Inside my head
I’ve worn them out
They can barely be remembered anymore
Too much time has passed
And you no longer live in a present part of my mind
But rather
You are packed away
In a box in my mind’s attic
Labeled
Once Upon A Time
A broken
Sad
Dangerous box
Collecting dust
Along with so many other things
That once lived in my present
And hopeful future
That are now left
To a corner known as What If?

Original Work: KH 10/6/14

Sunlight In My Hands

I walked that broken path
I fell apart
Somewhere between where I was
And where I was going
Some nameless
Unworthy place
That didn’t deserve my madness
Yet it took it all
And carried it away
I fell down
To my knees
And cried ocean waves
That nearly drowned me
Until I looked to the sky
And asked for advice
But heard nothing
Received nothing back
Nothing echoed
And the water turned to sunlight
In the palms of my hands
And I crossed myself quietly
As nature rustled around me
And the leaves began to dance
And I ran
For a couple of centuries
Into the future
And the past
Simultaneously
And I realized it’s all a circle
There’s no way out
The beginning
And the ending
Are the same
I asked you to say a Hail Mary
But did you listen?
All of it swirled into a chaotic breath
Of eternal sanctuary
Until I gasped
Endlessly suffocating
On the reality of the nothingness
Bless this broken trail
Bless this broken heart
Bless this broken soul
Bless this broken existence
Bless this shattered human race
I fell into a field of wildflowers
And felt my breath exhale
Through the blood red of my swollen lips
From crying the tears
Of tragedy
That plagued the existence
Of all living things
I rolled until I became the wildflowers
And they became me
And I fell into swelling sound
And eternal violins
Playing the last song
Of Earth’s symphony
The one to usher everyone
And everything
Away.

Original Work: KH 10/3/14

Spiral Galaxy

My body cracked in two
And out poured
A multitude
Of stars and light
Pouring
Like the universe
On fire
At it’s beginning
Its conception
Like the dawn of man
My heart was shattered
With a hammer
On a rock
Molded by eons of time
My soul escaped through my lips
Until I breathed it out
And gasped for fresh air
It danced like a ghost
Amongst the black holes
That floated through the galaxy
Of my mind
That exploded
In a raging burst of light
Enough to paint the Milky Way
A new shade of starry night
My body cracked in two
And out grew the flowers
That came from the earth’s desperate need
For eternal beauty
Yet like everything
The flowers had a shelf life
Like you

And me

The green of my eyes fell
Like cascading waterfalls
From my melting irises
They ran down my cheeks
Painting them a shade of emerald
With flakes of gold
My lips as red
As the roses that grow
Where my lungs used to be
My body cracked in two
My existence exploded across the sky
And I became a spiral galaxy
All by myself.

Original Work: KH 10/3/14

The Phoenix

Who was I
Before I lost myself?
Where did that girl go,
The one I knew,
So long ago?
I haven’t a clue
But if I ever see her again,
I’ll tell her to find you.
She had hope
And she loved
And I miss her.
She no longer looks back
When I stare in the mirror.
Where she went,
I really don’t know
She must have drowned
In her endless tears
And her dreadful woe.
But if she rises
Once again,
Like the phoenix
Birthed from her own ashes,
May she reign for many years
And wear the crown that was her right
Never again shall she be lost in the darkness,
Striving for the light.

Original Work: KH 9/18/14