I struggle to find the words,
To articulate the way I feel
At times
Although no words
In the world
Seem able to define the madness
Rattling around inside my head.
It seems untouchable
And indefinable
Unreachable
Indescribable, really.
The inability to define
How I feel
Is the definition of
The Emotion
Maybe…
Its enigmatic nature
Is why I am unable to let go
And end up defined
By something
Indefinable.
Original Work: KH 1/7/14
Oh but when the fog finally lifts,
It’s as if I’m reborn
And I remember
That the sun will finally rise again.
Original Work: KH 12/23/14
Who were you then?
Who were you then?
Before you knew
The world would break
Your heart?
Were you full of light?
Were you full of fire?
Were you full of life?
Were you Alive?
Bless whoever you were
Before the world took your soul
Crushed it into dust
Blew it gently away
Into the wind
Of another day.
Bless you
Bless me
Whoever I was
Before I could see
How the world
Would steal my flame
And douse it
With tears of pain
My flame
It burned far too bright
For the world
Stuck in dead of night
My flame
That was lit
And burning
In my soul
I let it go
Bless that girl
Find her
Find you
Find who you were
Before life
Extinguished your fire
Reignite it
And let it burn
Down
The
World.
Original Work: KH 10/31/14
You wouldn’t understand
Even if you could,
That’s why I’ve written
200 poems
Trying to explain it.
And even now,
That’s not enough
You’ll never know
I’ll never know
And neither will the universe.
I suppose
I’ll have to write
200 more.
Original Work: KH 10/29/14
Every time I think I know what I want, my mind tries to tell me I’m wrong, that I want something else…I need to quiet all these voices that try to make me doubt myself. Every time I think I know where I want to be, to live, I doubt myself, and change my mind. I seem to be unable to decide the course of my life. Part of me wants to just try and live a relaxed west coast life, where I stop worrying about everything. But then there’s the part of my mind that keeps pushing me to Europe and grad school and adventure…I just don’t know. Maybe neither of these things will happen. Maybe I will end up living in New England near the ocean and a lighthouse and be a writer there. Maybe I’ll move to Los Angeles and eat organic food, do yoga on the beach at sunrise, and have a high powered career. Maybe I’ll go to grad school, and then move to Paris and work in a café, and become an ex-pat writer like Hemingway and Fitzgerald. Maybe I’ll move to Nashville and meet a musician and have some babies. Maybe I’ll move to a small fishing village in Ireland and fall in love with a local man. Maybe I’ll move to Seattle and find a life and career there. Maybe I’ll move to London, and find my heart, wherever I left it, and start all over again. I have no clue. All I know is, I want to live a life I’m proud of, that I am happy with, that brings me joy, and peace.
Days like this, I picture myself back on that cliff in Ireland, staring at the sea, or in Hyde Park on a sunny autumn day, or at a café in Paris on a quiet Sunday morning. I never know where I want to be. Maybe my heart will never be satisfied in one place. Maybe I’ll have to find someone to give my heart to, and that’s where I’ll finally find home.
Oh to feel peace,
To find it
Living somewhere I had not looked before.
I say I crave it
I say I dream to find it
But am I lying to everyone?
Am I lying to myself?
I seek peace
But I continue to look
Where I know it lives not
Why?
Do I crave peace?
Or do I crave the idea
Of being a person who does?
Every time
I breathe calmly
And feel that sensation
Of peace
Washing over my body and my mind
I find ways to destroy it
Subtly
So that it leaves me
And I am back fighting the same battles
I was fighting before.
Do I truly desire peace?
Or do I need chaos
Passion
Destruction
Madness
To survive?
Maybe one can simply survive
On the belief that peace,
Inner peace,
Can save them,
Even though it’s all
Simply
A
Lie.
Original Work: KH 10/14/14
It all seems like a lost dream
This damaged memory and broken nostalgia
That plays like a record
Turning and turning
Sadly not playing
That same sound over and over
Like my mind
And what it could have been
Once upon a time
If I had taken that advice
If I had taken that chance
But I didn’t
I followed my own rules
And they led me into darkness
As I sit and wonder how
And why
And every other cliché
That can form inside my brain
Rattling around
Bouncing back and forth
And keep me up at night
Until I’m staring at the moon
With blank empty eyes
Sitting on my bed
Wrapped in my cotton sheets
Like a madwoman
Staring at the wall
Gasping for breath
As I feel my throat start to close
I look to my bedside table
And I see the hourglass
The sand pouring
Endlessly
I grab it
Wishing to turn it back over
Throw it at the wall until it shatters
Anything to stop that damn sand
But it’s not use
It’s stuck
It’s glued
To the table
Unable to be changed
Time cannot be restarted
It cannot be re-lived
It is an unstoppable force
And will continue long after me
As the rivers rage against rock
Carving new sights to be seen
And the sun bakes the earth
And flowers bloom
All of it lives and breathes
Time is a wild machine
And there’s nowhere to go
But forward.
Original Work: KH 10/13/14
All that madness
kicking around in my head
It’s become a friend
I live with it daily
It keeps me going
And brings me down
Gives me life
And takes it away
It breathes
I breathe
I feel it every day
In moments it shouldn’t be
But there it is
Knocking on the door
Of my mind
Asking to be let it
I look out the window
I know who it is
I shouldn’t let them in
But I do
Come on in
Care for a drink?
My madness
Those mad thoughts
They have moved on in
Roommate turned friend
Drinking buddy
On the weekends
It leaves
It returns
Like anyone else
Hello
Goodbye
Hello
Goodbye
Bless this mess
Amen.
Original Work: KH 10/12/14
Bout two years gone
I lived at the bottom of a bottle
Take your pick
Which poison do you prefer?
I fell into the sparkly bubbles of French champagne
And the clean waves of Russian vodka
And the comforting memories of Irish whiskey
I lived trapped behind the glass
Trying to drink my way out
Of whatever it was that was drowning me
I tried a little of my ancestor’s English gin
The sadness of a bottle of warm beer
From some generic place
It didn’t really matter in the end
I lived surrounded by everything I couldn’t remember
Everything I wished to forget
All the pain I tried to numb
All the failure I begged
To leave my soul
I liked the hazy calm that drifted over my eyes
I enjoyed the madness that filled my soul
And the wildness that took over my body
I loved the freedom I felt
Free from myself
Then the calm and quiet that followed
The crash
Until I craved that feeling of chaotic joy again
And I opened another bottle
Took me a couple a years
To figure out
That my freedom and happiness
Didn’t lie
At the bottom of a bottle of Jameson…
Original Work: KH 10/11/14
A journey from inside my head, out into the world 
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