“How we need another soul to cling to”
-Sylvia Plath
Love is a tricky, often times bewildering concept. Most of us, if we’re lucky, have experienced love at some point in our lives, whether it’s from our family, our friends, or significant others, most of us have known how it feels to be loved. All though love should be a guarantee, a part of life that happens naturally for all people, unfortunately that is not the case. Sometimes, love just isn’t there, or it simply cannot be adequately expressed.
I will be the first to admit that love is something that I feel very deeply, but I really suffer with expressing that love, and telling people how much I love them. It has always been simple with my family-I know how to tell them I love them, because I do, and it’s natural and easy, and I know they love me too. It is difficult for me to express, or tell my friends, that I love them. I do love my friends, but I have never been one of those girls that is able to say “love you” to a friend and not sound goofy or sarcastic, it just doesn’t happen naturally for me. If I do say it, it comes out sounding like a valley girl from the ’80’s saying “love ya!” and giving a fake hug. That I can do. But being open and genuine about my feelings to my friends has never been a strong suit of mine. I don’t come from very demonstrative, open, outwardly emotional people. We either suffer from our Irish repression or our staunch English and German refusal to show emotions publicly. Either way, whatever the cause, emotions, especially love, have always been a problem for me.
I’ve especially struggled my showing my emotions, and expressing my feelings, to guys. I have never been a person who is able to open up and make real, honest connections with guys. I always tend to get awkward and nervous and basically just act like their friend because that is so much easier and occurs more naturally to me than forging emotional, romantic relationships. In fact, the thought of meeting the right guy and starting a relationship and being intimate terrifies me. And there’s no reason for that, I shouldn’t feel that way because there’s no precedent for that emotion of fear to occur, but it does nonetheless. I’m always scared that people, especially men, have bad, ulterior motives and they’re not actually interested in me as a person, or they are not trustworthy or genuine, but rather they are shallow, and predatory, and I hate that. I hate nothing more than men who don’t respect women, but rather treat them like a prize or like a piece of property, it’s disgusting and I wont tolerate it. But, I know not all men are like that; most of them are good, honest people, with good intentions, trying to find love just like me, and I need to remember that.
I don’t want to be like this anymore, but I also don’t know how to change. I have been hurt by guys in the past, in the way that my feelings have always be unrequited. I feel strong emotions for a guy and he never expresses them back, even when I make them clear, and I guess that constant state of rejection has begun to take its toll on my self-confidence and ability to be open, honest and hopeful about relationships and my feelings. But I’m done being like that.
From now on, I will do my best to overcome these nagging feelings of self-doubt and hopeless awkwardness, and instead I will learn to be an open, real, authentic, loving, giving, intimate person. I want to be this way to my friends, and I want to be this way when I meet men, the right men, who treat me with the respect I deserve and are as open and authentic as I hope to be. Love is an essential part of life. It is as essential as oxygen and water and sunlight. It is not something that is a want, love is a need. People will go to the ends of the earth and back for love, and that is why I know I need to learn to be more open and welcoming to the love and potential for love in my life. The importance of love cannot be overstated…without it, there is no importance to life.
A journey from inside my head, out into the world 
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